smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
