I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
