when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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