Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
