it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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