booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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