the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
