im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
