1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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