How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
