When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
