How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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