Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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