Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
