Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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