can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
