I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
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