I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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