I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize