Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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