This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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