You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
