I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
