We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
