party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
