how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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