My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
