i wish there were pregnant emoticons
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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