So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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