If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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