my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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