When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
