After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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