Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
