Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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