ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
