Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
