eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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