So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Randomize
