Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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