Ambien. No doubt about it.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
