Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
