I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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