All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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