she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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