i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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