Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
