I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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