none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
