the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
