it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
