Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think weed is turning my hair brown
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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