my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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