the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
