I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize