You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
