Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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